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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310595">WITCHERS: Real Or Just Clickbait?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quarra/pseuds/Quarra'>Quarra</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Professor Cryptid [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And now its modern times, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Geralt/Jaskier (preslash), Horror, Humor, It's a horror movie setting but not actually very scary, Jaskier is thirsty af, M/M, Modern Jaskier, Professor!Jaskier, This is probably the witcher fic equivilant of Army Of Darkness, Witchers are cryptids, but in reverse?, canon happened several hundred years ago, dashes of horror, kind of</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:35:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,833</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28310595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quarra/pseuds/Quarra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Students are turning up missing at Oxenfurt University. One of them is a student of Jaskier’s. Given how poorly the school administration and university security are handling the whole affair, Jaskier is not terribly surprised when his missing student’s mother shows up looking for answers.</p>
<p>He is, however, <i>very</i> fucking surprised when it turns out that she brought three witchers with her. </p>
<p>Especially since witchers <i>do not fucking exist</i>.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Professor Cryptid [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073438</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>399</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>WITCHERS: Real Or Just Clickbait?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryo_Bucky/gifts">Cryo_Bucky</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy holidays to cryobucky, my secret santa this year! I hope this strikes your fancy :D</p>
<p>The idea for the fic somewhat started from that tumblr post that was floating around about how witchers are modern day cryptids. It was a delightful post, though hell if I can find it now. I took it a step further and added a very heavy dose of crack (additional dose of crack, I suppose?), as I am wont to do, and this is what came out. </p>
<p>Also, a huge thank you to antigrav_vector for cheerleading and beta reading. I very much appreciate it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-</p>
<p>Witchers weren’t real.</p>
<p>Everyone knew that. It was a commonly accepted fact. Witchers weren’t real. Just like ghosts and dragons and wizards weren’t real.</p>
<p>Sure, there were a lot of stories from back in the day about them, and people seven hundred years ago had sure as fuck believed that all that shit was real. But nowadays? No. Not even a shadow of a doubt. It had to be bullshit.</p>
<p>The vast majority of reputable scholars thought that there was a class of mercenaries that had existed once upon a time who were <i>called</i> witchers, but that those mercenaries had been simple regular swords for hire. The more fantastical stories of witchers fighting off monsters of all kinds were chalked up to creative license and hyperbole. </p>
<p>Some scholars believed that there had once been strange megafauna that roamed the continent. Leftovers from before the last ice age several thousand years ago. After all, moose, whales, and hippos were still around. Maybe there was an evolutionary step between dinosaurs and modern animals. Scientists had discovered some pretty interesting skeletons over the years, but carbon dating had thus far proved inconclusive. Lots of people thought that those “dragon skulls” and “ogre bones” were just hoaxes. </p>
<p>Then there were people like Professor Pankratz, or Jaskier, as he insisted that all of his students call him.</p>
<p>“--telling you that there is strong evidence that witchers were more than just period typical thugs for hire,” Jaskier said, waving one hand in the air. The chair he was sitting in was precariously perched on two legs while he leaned backwards at his desk.</p>
<p>He was wearing jeans, fashionable boots that had clearly seen heavy wear, and a tightly fitted green jacket that reminded Julia of underground art shows. Under it was a purposely threadbare poet’s shirt, and he had a skinny green scarf dangling precariously around his neck.</p>
<p>Julia shook her head. That man was gonna fall the fuck over, snag that scarf on his own desk, and snap his damn neck.</p>
<p>The semester had just started. Two weeks into her new Medieval Studies course and Julia could already tell this class was going to be A Thing. </p>
<p>The student that Jaskier was arguing with was nearly frothing at the mouth. He was one of those Eternal Flame types, all up in arms about <i>anyone</i>, let alone a professor, daring to suggest that magic might be ‘real’. </p>
<p>“Before the church came through, the local pagans were doing all kinds of awful things,” the guy spat out hotly. Julia hadn’t caught his name yet, and honestly, given this guy’s holier-than-thou-why-aren’t-you-at-home-having-babies attitude, she was pretty happy with that state of affairs. Most Eternal Flame folks were fine, but some of the extra devout ones were fucking bonkers. </p>
<p>While the dude started to list off a stream of atrocities, Jaskier just rolled his eyes and nodded along. His chair wobbled a little bit more.</p>
<p>“Yes, yes, yes, those damn pagans. They believed in <i>elves</i>, too, for Flame’s sake,” Jaskier said sarcastically. “Never mind that the vast majority of old royalty in every country in the North believed that they’re descended from one of the Old Races. All those people are just deluding themselves, clearly!”</p>
<p>Clearly, dude missed Jaskier’s obvious sarcasm, because he just gestured with both hands and exclaimed, “Yes! Exactly!”</p>
<p>If Jaskier had rolled his eyes any harder, the top of his skull would have fallen off due to the spin.</p>
<p>“Moving on,” he said in an incredibly tired sounding voice. “Assignment for next week is to read through chapter three. Come prepared to ask about the Sorceresses Lodge and what their purpose was in the old royal courts.”</p>
<p>Dude started sputtering a bit. Before he could start arguing again, Jaskier dropped his chair down onto all four legs with a heavy <i>thump</i> and looked at him with one eyebrow slightly raised.</p>
<p>“You sure you want to take this class?” he asked.</p>
<p>Sullen silence filled the room for a moment.</p>
<p>“It’s a requirement for my theology degree,” the dude admitted. </p>
<p>“Of course it is.” Jaskier sighed. Then he smiled, wide and fake. “Whelp! You’re gonna have a fun time here. Don’t forget to take some notes on important historical sorceresses.”</p>
<p>Oh yeah. This was definitely going to be A Thing. Julia was gonna fucking vlog about it.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Oxenfurt College was an old school, an Ivy League level university with a very prestigious history that dated back several centuries. </p>
<p>Steve loved it here. He loved the look of the old stone buildings and the crazy tall trees and the <i>space</i>. There were no cars allowed inside the islands. </p>
<p>Originally, the university had only been located on the middle sized island out of the three, but as time had marched on and the population expanded, the university had sprawled out into the other two as well. Now most of the historic buildings here were owned by the school, with a small main drag of shops and other small businesses being the exceptions. </p>
<p>There were a couple of dorms on the islands, but most of them had been set up across the river. That was also where most of the frats and sorority houses were located, too. </p>
<p>It was Thursday night and Steve should be headed home to his dorm room to get some sleep. He had a morning class the next day.</p>
<p>But, hell, it was such a nice night out. He’d stayed late at the physics lab to do some homework and didn’t regret the late night walk one bit. The fall air hadn’t turned super cold yet and the scent of leaves was in the air. Music wafting up over the bridge from Frat Row. Aside from that, the campus was quiet. One or two people were walking far off down other pathways, but most had already gone home and the buildings were all locked up.</p>
<p>He’d almost gotten to the bridge when he hesitated a moment to watch the reflection of the street lights flicker on the surface of the river. </p>
<p>It was still pretty early in the semester.</p>
<p>And it was such a nice night out. And tomorrow was <i>Friday</i>. If he was going to skip class on any day of the week, Friday was the best day to do it.</p>
<p>He could take a spin by some of the keggers going on. Just for a minute. </p>
<p>The water rippled some more.</p>
<p>Steve never made it to Frat Row.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Campus Security was called. Someone overheard some screaming. When searches brought up nothing, they shrugged and went about their business.</p>
<p>College kids were always getting up to crazy shit. That was just how universities worked.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>By mid October, disappearances were becoming a problem. Out of fifty-one thousand students in the Fall Semester, fourteen had been reported missing.</p>
<p>Fourteen. </p>
<p>Or at least that was the official count. Given the normal amount of student attrition during the school year, there could have been more. It was hard to say if a missing student had just dropped out and gone home or if they’d been taken. Of the students who’d suddenly stopped showing up to class, fourteen had friends and family clamoring at the dean to find them.</p>
<p>Jaskier shook his head as he got his papers organized for class.</p>
<p>The administration didn’t want anyone to know. They’d done a vaguely reasonable job of upping security, at the very least. There were new protocols. No student was to go anywhere on campus alone. Buildings were all locked, accessible only to those with student or faculty IDs; something that should have been done <i>anyways</i>, in Jaskier’s opinion. Additional campus police had been hired.</p>
<p>Parents of the missing students had been contacted and authorities had requested that they stay silent. The last thing anyone needed was for the campus to panic. </p>
<p>With the lack of information, the rumor mill ran rampant. Jaskier honestly wasn’t sure what the dean had expected would happen. When there was a lack of reliably sourced information, people made up their own theories.</p>
<p>“It’s a serial killer,” Amanda said as she and Brie walked into Jaskier’s HIS208 Class. </p>
<p>“The police would have said if there were bodies,” Brie countered. “You can’t keep that kind of shit under wraps.”</p>
<p>“Just because there aren’t bodies doesn’t mean they aren’t dead.” Amanda dropped her bag on her desk and started unloading. Brie sat down next to her. Both girls immediately started playing with their phones. Probably looking at the latest news. </p>
<p>Jaskier didn’t disagree. He also didn’t want to throw fuel on the fire. His kids -- though most of them weren’t technically ‘kids’, he still thought of them that way -- had enough on their plates. </p>
<p>“We should get a witcher,” Catherine said from her seat off to the side and towards the back. </p>
<p>“Witchers aren’t real,” Sean snidely snapped at her from across the room.</p>
<p>“Yes, they are,” she said firmly back.</p>
<p>Surprising. Catherine was pretty quiet. A foreign student, from the neighboring country of Kaedwen, somewhere rural. A good student.</p>
<p>To be fair, Sean was a good student, too. He was just also a prick. Jaskier wasn’t sure if he was hoping that Sean would pass or fail. If he passed, then Jaskier wouldn’t ever have to deal with him again. If he failed, Jaskier would get a bit of petty satisfaction out of it, but then Sean would be back next semester to plague him.</p>
<p>Before the bickering could continue, Jaskier interrupted. “I’m glad that you’re absorbing my teachings so well, Catherine. Well done.”</p>
<p>He smiled charmingly at her.</p>
<p>Her dark skin turned a little darker at the compliment, but she shook her head. “Not from your class. I’m from the Blue Mountains. We’ve still got all kinds of stories about witchers up there.”</p>
<p>Sean rolled his eyes, but Amanda and Brie perked up. Other students started to trickle in.</p>
<p>“Oh?” Jaskier leaned in. Maybe he should be recording this. No, that might intimidate her. Better to see what she had to say right now.</p>
<p>“My family’s been there for generations. They say there’s a witcher keep up there,” she explained. “We see ‘em around, sometimes. The witchers. They have eyes like cats, and are twice as quiet.”</p>
<p>Alright, fuck possible intimidation, Jaskier started scribbling notes. “Old Nilfgaardian Empire records state that there was a witcher school somewhere in that range,” he said. </p>
<p>Catherine nodded. “They help us all out. They’re lucky.”</p>
<p>More students trickled in and sat down to listen.</p>
<p>“Yeah, like horse shoes hung over doors are lucky, or dimeritium is lucky,” Sean scoffed.</p>
<p>But Catherine just shrugged. “They’re just stories, I guess. But everyone up in my home town has said they’ve seen one.”</p>
<p>“Have you?” Jaskier asked, curious.</p>
<p>Her eyes shifted to the side while she shrugged. “Nah. They’re just stories.”</p>
<p><i>She’s a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiar</i>, Jaskier sang inside his head. </p>
<p>--</p>
<p>He was going to ask her about those old folk tales. He <i>was</i>.</p>
<p>It was just… right as that class was leaving, the next was coming in, and before Jaskier knew it, Catherine was already gone. </p>
<p>Ah well. He’d just catch her on Monday.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>He didn’t catch her on Monday. He got busy and there was a test to return and everyone had questions.</p>
<p>Wednesday wasn’t any better. He’d arranged for a guest lecturer, an artist from the capital who was fluent in several ancient languages and an expert on illuminated alchemical texts. </p>
<p>Jaskier was busier than a bee getting them set up for every class and making sure that they were well provided for. By the time Jaskier had even thought about prying some more folk tales out of Catherine, it was already time for bed.</p>
<p>On Friday…</p>
<p>On Friday, Catherine didn’t show up.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Nor did she show up for class the following Monday. Jaskier had been in email contact with her flatmates. No one had seen her, but everyone was busy for the weekend, too. </p>
<p>By Monday night they were all looking.</p>
<p>By Wednesday, Jaskier had emailed her parents to offer his sympathy.</p>
<p>His students were afraid. Hell, <i>Jaskier</i> was more than a bit afraid. </p>
<p>He tried not to show it.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>By Friday, another two students after Catherine had gone missing. There was talk of shutting down campus. The Dean was doing his level best to avoid that, if only because he’d be neck deep in complaints from parents and donors alike. </p>
<p>--</p>
<p>The following Monday, Jaskier had an unusual guest. <i>Guests</i>, really. </p>
<p>His History 208: Principles of Medieval Politics class had just begun, and there was a knock at his door. It was an older woman. Tall, curly hair, familiar features. The grim look on her face cinched it; this was Catherine’s mother.</p>
<p>He winced and let her inside. </p>
<p>“Ma’am, I’m terribly sorry, but class is about to start,” he began. “If you wouldn’t mind waiting, I could speak with you in my office--”</p>
<p>She brushed past him. That, he expected. </p>
<p>What he <i>didn’t</i> expect was the three hulking bruisers who followed her. Every single one of them was built like a brick shithouse.</p>
<p>Or so he supposed based on how much space they took up, because in addition to being huge, every single one of them was also wearing a heavy cloak that covered up basically everything about them. There were even extra heavy scarves or shawls draped around their shoulders, so it gave them the impression of hunched shoulders. Even their faces were mostly covered by their hoods.</p>
<p><i>Fuck me, she’s brought some family out to break my legs for losing her daughter</i>. Not that Jaskier had anything to do with it, but who knew what conclusion an angry parent might jump to.</p>
<p>Jaskier scrambled back into his chair. He wasn’t panicking. Nope! Not even a little. He was calm. Cool. Collected. Totally <i>fine</i>.</p>
<p>He very nearly fell out of his chair, but that was a total coincidence and had nothing to do with the fact that he was <i>almost totally sure</i> that those guys were wearing swords under all those layers. </p>
<p>“Professor. <i>Professor</i>.” Catherine’s mom finally snagged his attention. He grinned nervously at her. </p>
<p>Surely, they wouldn’t try to break him in front of a classroom full of witnesses?</p>
<p>“Yes?” The answer came out as more of a squeak than he wanted it to.</p>
<p>“My name is Anette Carson. I’m Catherine Carson’s mother,” she said unnecessarily. </p>
<p>Jaskier nodded at her gamely and kept his mouth shut. It took a lot of effort. He talked when he was nervous.</p>
<p>“And your friends?” Fuck, he just couldn’t keep quiet, could he?</p>
<p>To his vague confusion and relief, Anette just quirked a tiny smile at him. “Close family friends.”</p>
<p>His head wanted to both nod and shake his head at the same time. He wasn’t sure which movement won; he was too busy agreeing with her. “Yes, of course. Family friends! How can I-- Hey! Stop, that’s my bag!”</p>
<p>One of those giant oafs was <i>sniffing</i> at his backpack. The other two had spread out around the room, looking at the walls of all things.</p>
<p>“What are you even-- This is a <i>classroom</i>, and I do have a class to teach…” Jaskier hurried over to his desk to shoo away the cloaked monster that was still pawing through his stuff.</p>
<p>“He didn’t touch her,” the man growled out. <i>Literally</i> growled. Fuck, that poor bastard sounded like he’d been smoking five packs a day for all of his life. “Nothing of his has her scent on it.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Excuse me, what?</i>
</p>
<p>Jaskier stood there with his jaw dropped. Because <i>what the fuck</i>.</p>
<p>“Over here,” another of the three called. His voice was low, but smoother. Jaskier couldn’t help but stand on tiptoes to peek over the growly-man’s shoulder. </p>
<p>The one who’d called out was crouched next to the desk where Catherine usually sat. He leaned in, peering out from under the hood of his cloak like he was short-sighted. </p>
<p>“Scent’s old,” he said. The other two circled back towards him. “More than a week.”</p>
<p>“Wait, are you tracking Catherine by <i>scent?</i>” Jaskier’s day just kept getting weirder and weirder.</p>
<p>“Don’t get yourself into a bother, Professor,” Anette said. The words were probably meant to be soothing, but to Jaskier, she just sounded smug and angry all at once. “We’ll be out of your hair in a minute.”</p>
<p>“I’m calling campus security,” Sean said quietly, almost as if he was afraid to bring it up but couldn’t quite stop himself. </p>
<p>One part of Jaskier was wholeheartedly in agreement, because <i>fuck yes</i> security sounded like a great idea. Another part of him was profoundly unhappy, because he could not imagine that scene having a good ending.</p>
<p>“Everyone just stay seated and we’ll get this… matter… cleared… up?” Jaskier tried to sound confident. He was very confused. And extremely concerned. </p>
<p>Then he caught sight of Julia with her phone out.</p>
<p>“Hey, are you recording this?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Yup! This is goin’ on my vlog,” she said, shaking her head. </p>
<p>Jaskier sighed.</p>
<p>In that critical moment of distraction, he’d failed to notice what the brute squad was doing.</p>
<p>And what they were doing, was <i>destroying the fucking wall.</i></p>
<p>The tallest of the three punched through the plaster. Or maybe it was drywall. Jaskier didn’t know, and didn’t care. The <i>important</i> matter was that he was probably going to get fined for this. Thank fuck he was tenured. </p>
<p>“I say this with meaning, my friends,” he interjected, “but <i>what the fuck is going on</i>?”</p>
<p><i>Crack-crash</i>.</p>
<p>A large chunk of the wall got ripped away. Weirdly, under the wooden supports for the modern wall was a much older solid wood surface. It looked ornate.</p>
<p>“This building is old as shit,” the tall one said. </p>
<p>For whatever reason that made the other two laugh. It earned them a glare from the tall one, not that his eyes were visible under that hood.</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, laugh it the fuck up,” he bitched. “This <i>building</i> is old as <i>shit</i>, and instead of tearing anything down they just papered over it. The original frame is here.”</p>
<p>That.</p>
<p>Jaskier had not known that.</p>
<p>He hurried over to see what had been uncovered, eeling between his unwelcome guests to get a closer look. Sure enough, it <i>did</i> look like there were parts of -- or perhaps it was all of -- the original structure under there. With carvings on that wood too!</p>
<p>“You sense something, Wolf?” Growly-man asked. </p>
<p>The tall one -- Wolf, apparently -- grunted in agreement and kept pulling off sheets of plaster. </p>
<p>“Localized portal,” he said. “You remember this building?”</p>
<p>“Wasn’t this the alchemy lab?” the third man spoke up. His voice was lighter, and he sounded skeptical. </p>
<p>Shit, where was Jaskier’s tiny pocket recorder when he needed it.</p>
<p>“Julia, I want a copy of that vlog entry!” Jaskier snapped out, all while trying to look around Wolf’s bulky frame.</p>
<p>There was snickering in the class. It sounded a little nervous. They’d get over it.</p>
<p>The brute squad ignored them and Jaskier. </p>
<p>“Heartbeats from below,” Growly-man said.</p>
<p>The other two nodded.</p>
<p>“Where the fuck did that portal go to,” Wolf muttered to himself. </p>
<p>He was happily demolishing one entire wall and was quickly headed towards the one in the front of the classroom. Jaskier could not bring himself to care, because there were carvings under there!</p>
<p>“This is amazing,” Jaskier said. “Did the university know that this was here?” </p>
<p>He didn’t expect an answer. He got one anyways.</p>
<p>“Probably,” the third man said with a shrug. “Not like it was fucking hidden.”</p>
<p>“They probably didn’t want people activating it by accident,” Growly-man said.</p>
<p>“Wait, activate what?” Jaskier asked.</p>
<p>“The portal,” Wolf said, gesturing at the wall. </p>
<p>Sure enough, some of the carvings did etch out a sort of doorway. It was oddly oval shaped. Jaskier walked over and knocked on it.</p>
<p>Solid wood.</p>
<p>“Portal?” he asked. And like that, he was back to wondering about the sanity of his guests and of the situation in general.</p>
<p>“Magic,” Growly-man said, and there was more than a hint of mocking laughter in his voice.</p>
<p>Jaskier was torn between reactions. </p>
<p><i>KA-<b>CHAUNK</b></i>.</p>
<p>Annnnnd there went the black board. Down on the floor. </p>
<p>Fuck, he was going to get fired, tenure be damned. </p>
<p>No, no, no. This was fine. Fine. Jaskier could just say that armed -- were they armed? Yes, Jaskier was becoming more and more certain that they looked like they were armed. They certainly had BIG ARMS -- Armed men had burst into his room and started destroying the place. He couldn’t possibly be to blame for that, could he?</p>
<p>Dammit, the head of the department was such a flaming bastard, he would probably try to pin it on Jaskier anyways. One day that man was going to die, and Jaskier could take his position…</p>
<p><i>Crunch</i>.</p>
<p>“Sean, did you hire them to destroy my career along with this room?” Jaskier asked his argumentative student with some measure of resignation.</p>
<p>“This is <i>not</i> my fault,” Sean protested.</p>
<p>The brute squad snickered. </p>
<p>“I hired them to find my Catherine,” Anette said primly. She’d taken a seat on Jaskier’s desk, with her arms crossed and face a mask of determination.</p>
<p>“Toss a coin to your--” The Growly-man was immediately shut up by a hard punch to the shoulder from Wolf.</p>
<p>Growly-man and the third guy both cackled. Wolf actually snarled.</p>
<p>“Where the hell were you all raised, a barn?” Jaskier really did have a problem with keeping his mouth shut.</p>
<p>Happily, this particular indiscretion didn’t end with him being punched as well, so he counted it as a win.</p>
<p>“Here,” Wolf said, going back to ignoring them all. He peeled away a patch of flaking plaster to reveal something inset into the older under-wall.</p>
<p>It was blue. Some kind of glass? A tiny window, maybe?</p>
<p>“Ooo, good catch, Wolf,” the third man said. “Pry that fucker out and let’s get a move on. I can hear security coming.”</p>
<p>“I’ll take care of them,” Growly-man said with a dismissive wave.</p>
<p>And like that, Jaskier was very concerned all over again.</p>
<p>“We really don’t need to--” he started. Then he was totally distracted by Wolf pulling that bit of glass right out of the solid wood wall. No. It couldn’t be solid wood if he’d been able to dig his fingers through it like that. Maybe it had rotted.</p>
<p>When Wolf held the object up, Jaskier scurried over to get a closer look.</p>
<p>“That’s not glass, it’s a <i>gem!</i>” Jaskier was delighted. The object was cut in the shape of a faceted tear drop the size of a beer can.</p>
<p>“No, it’s a power crystal,” Wolf corrected him, and easily held it up out of Jaskier’s reach.</p>
<p>“Rude,” Jaskier said, offended. </p>
<p>That earned him a look. Or what might have been a look, under that hood.</p>
<p>“Take a step back,” Wolf said. “This is uncharged. I’ll need to fix that.”</p>
<p>“And here’s security,” the third man said with a small sigh. “Can I kill them?”</p>
<p>“<i>What</i>?” Jaskier definitely took a step back now.</p>
<p>“No, I’ve got this,” Growly-man said stepping forward towards the still-open door. </p>
<p>Three people in campus security uniforms stepped into the door. <i>How</i> had the brute squad known they were coming?</p>
<p>Irrelevant. The only thing that mattered now was resolving this peacefully. </p>
<p>Jaskier stepped up with a large, beaming smile, ready to defuse this ticking time bomb.</p>
<p>“Sirs, I’m going to have to ask you to step into the hallway,” the head officer said firmly. He had one hand on his holster, but hadn’t drawn his weapon yet.</p>
<p>Growly-man raised both hands up like he was surrendering, which was a relief. The third guy didn’t move at all, and Wolf utterly ignored them in favor of looking at his new shiny. That was less of a relief.</p>
<p>Growly-man waggled his gloved fingers like he was giving security a cutesie hello, and said, “Everything is fine here. You’re all going to walk away and forget what you saw here. You’ve had a long day and you need a drink from your favorite pub.”</p>
<p>The security officers swayed in place and blinked like they’d been dazed.</p>
<p>“Whaaaaaaat the fuck,” one of Jaskier’s students whispered. Amanda maybe? Jaskier wasn’t paying attention because, <i>fuck</i>, he was right there with them.</p>
<p>The officers shook their heads.</p>
<p>“What were we doing?” one asked.</p>
<p>“I donno. It’s been a long day,” the second answered.</p>
<p>“Time for a drink,” the third added on.</p>
<p>And they all walked out.</p>
<p>Growly-man crossed his arms and radiated smugness.</p>
<p>The room stared. </p>
<p>Jaskier felt like his jaw was going to permanently be attached to the floor if this kept up. </p>
<p>He shook himself. Now was not the time for inaction. He walked over to stand in front of Growly-man and tried to look as firm and imposing as he could. </p>
<p>Perhaps he shouldn’t have worn the purple scarf today. Whatever. It looked good on him. He could be imposing in a purple scarf. </p>
<p>“Alright, I need to know <i>right now</i>,” Jaskier paused for emphasis, “are you all Jedi?”</p>
<p>Someone snorted in amusement. </p>
<p>Jaskier raised up a finger to point at, but not press against, Growly-man’s chest. “Don’t try to avoid the question. That was a Jedi mind trick, and I would very much like to know how you did that.”</p>
<p>“We’re not Jedi, whatever the fuck those are,” Wolf said, sounding exasperated. He pushed back his hood to show snow white hair and bright yellow eyes. “We’re witchers. Now step the fuck back so I can activate this.”</p>
<p>The first thing that slammed into Jaskier’s brain was <i>wow, Wolf was attractive as fuck</i>. Classically handsome with a strong jaw and nose. A faint scar trailed down his forehead, across one eye, and curved around his cheek.</p>
<p>The second thing that slammed into Jaskier’s brain was the word ‘witchers’. Not that he could do anything about it. Growly-man pushed him back towards his students while the third guy waved a hand towards Anette, ushering her to do the same thing.</p>
<p>Wolf held the crystal in front of him and said… <i>something</i>. </p>
<p>The word echoed strangely in the old room, and there was an almost visible wave of force that erupted from his mouth and struck the crystal. </p>
<p>The moment that force touched the crystal, the stone rang, high and clear, and then lit up like a light.</p>
<p>They all stared at the glowing blue gem that now shone as bright as an LED. </p>
<p>“Nice work, Wolf,” the third guy said.</p>
<p>“Let's see if the portal still works, too,” Wolf answered. He walked over to the weird oval carving on the wall and started looking for something.</p>
<p>“Julia, please tell me you got that on video,” Jaskier said quietly.</p>
<p>“Sure did, Jaskier,” she said gleefully. “I’m gonna be trending after this.”</p>
<p>At the sound of his name, all three witchers -- holy Flame, <i>witchers</i> -- turned to stare at Jaskier.</p>
<p>He glanced between them all nervously. “What?”</p>
<p>“Jaskier?” Wolf said, skeptically.</p>
<p>“Like the bard, Dandelion?” Growly-man asked, sounding more than a bit amused.</p>
<p>“Why, yes,” Jaskier said, a little astonished. “I’m surprised you know the reference. Almost no one does.”</p>
<p>The name ‘Jaskier’ was a translation of ‘Dandelion’ in the famous bard’s native tongue. That was probably what he’d been called back when he was alive. Most people knew him by his more popular pen name, though.</p>
<p>Wolf actually started knocking his head on the wall, while both Growly-man and the third guy cackled.</p>
<p>Now Jaskier was starting to feel offended. “The Bard Dandelion was one of the greatest masters of prose to ever grace the Northern Kingdoms,” he defended. “His tunes and epics are <i>still</i> performed today. The college of music at this university is named after him, though they use one of his pseudonyms. Every credible university that I’ve ever heard of has at least one course offered on his works.”</p>
<p>That just made Wolf snarl and hit his head harder, while the other two went breathless with laughing.</p>
<p>“Oh Gods, did your parents name you that? Please tell me they did,” the third guy asked. </p>
<p>The weirdness of someone swearing to something that wasn’t the Eternal Flame was completely derailed by the commentary about who named him.</p>
<p>“It’s a nickname,” Jaskier said. He crossed his arms and pouted. “I chose it myself ages ago.”</p>
<p>“Do you sing?” Growly-man asked. Jaskier could tell by the tone of his voice alone that the man was grinning. “I’d love to hear your verses, if you do.”</p>
<p>“Eskel, I will fucking murder you,” Wolf snarled, with his forehead still rested on the wall.</p>
<p>So Growly-man had a name, then. </p>
<p>Jaskier gave Eskel his most winning smile. “I do, indeed. I’m not prepared to do so now, but I have some recordings on my phone? They’re mostly, ah, modern takes on period pieces…”</p>
<p>The third guy had crouched down on the floor to hold his face in his hands, he was laughing so hard. </p>
<p>“We’d love to hear them,” Eskel said. He pulled back his hood to show his grin.</p>
<p>Eep. Eskel looked a hell of a lot scarier than Wolf did. Facial structure wise, they were similar, though Eskel’s nose was a bit rounder. His eyes were the same gold-yellow, and oh <i>snap</i>, they had vertical pupils, like a cat. Jaskier hadn’t noticed that on Wolf, but now that he thought about it, Wolf had them too. </p>
<p>What was most disturbing was that half of Eskel’s face was a ruin of scars. Scars that looked very suspiciously like claw marks. </p>
<p>Something in the hardening of Eskel’s gaze said that he’d noticed Jaskier’s flinch at those scars.</p>
<p>Oops. That was pretty rude. Jaskier smoothed any discomfort out of his expression and smiled up warmly at Eskel. </p>
<p>“I am delighted by your interest,” he said. “I can--”</p>
<p>“No,” Wolf said firmly. “Absolutely not. No singing. We have a job.”</p>
<p>“Oh, lighten up, Geralt,” the third guy said, finally standing up again. “What’s wrong with a little music while we work?”</p>
<p>The look that Wolf shot the third guy was pure poison.</p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>“Geralt?” Jaskier asked.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Wolf muttered and went back to looking at the wall.</p>
<p>Jasker pressed on because holy shit. “Geralt, as in the famous witcher, Geralt of Rivia? The White Wolf? The Butcher of Blaviken?” </p>
<p>At that last title, Wolf turned to glare at Jaskier and <i>snarled</i>. </p>
<p>“That one’s a bit of a sore spot for him,” Eskel muttered to Jaskier. “Better to not mention it.”</p>
<p>Jasker shook his head. “No. That’s ridiculous, because Geralt of Rivia has been dead for, oh, I don’t know, seven hundred years?” He crossed his arms and non-verbally demanded answers.</p>
<p>Wolf rolled his eyes and went back to examining the wall. </p>
<p>Jaskier turned to raise his eyebrows at Anette. She’d brought them here. If it weren’t for the fact that Catherine was missing, then he’d think he was being punked. </p>
<p>“They are what they say,” she said with a shrug. “We Kaedweni folk remember the old tales, even if you city folk have long forgotten them.”</p>
<p>“Lambert,” Wolf said before she could explain further. “You’re with me. Eskel, guard the portal. I hear something big down there. Make sure it doesn’t get out.”</p>
<p>“Got it, Wolf,” Eskel said, and started to unknot his scarves.</p>
<p>“Fuck yes, finally some action,” the third guy said. Lambert, apparently. “You watching our cloaks, Eskel?”</p>
<p>“Sure, pile ‘em on Dandelion’s desk,” Eskel said with a snicker.</p>
<p>“<i>Fuck you both</i>,” Wolf snapped at them. </p>
<p>Then he did <i>something</i> to the wall, and the glowing gem snapped into place at the top of that carving.</p>
<p>A deep <i>whump</i> sound echoed through the room, along with the sensation of something heavy falling into place nearby that was totally at odds with the visuals of what had just happened.</p>
<p>The lights above them shorted out, leaving the room only dimly lit by the tiny windows along the back wall. </p>
<p>Blue lightning snaked down out of the gem along the carving in the wall, leaving a trail of radiant neon blue in its wake.</p>
<p>As soon as that blue lightning completed the circle, the oval inside turned pitch black. There was a heavy sucking sound and every loose paper in the room flew up into the air. The electric blue light that framed the carved oval seemed to drag <i>inward</i>, giving the yawning black space a sense of depth.</p>
<p>“Oh holy fuck,” Jaskier whispered.</p>
<p>“Heresy,” Sean whispered right after him. Jaskier barely repressed the urge to turn around and smack him. </p>
<p>The witchers finished divesting themselves of their cloaks and scarves and, <i>yup</i>, those were fucking swords on their backs. Each sported two long-ass blades slung so that the hilts rose up over their right shoulders. They were all wearing heavy leather and metal armor, and were festooned with other small blades, pouches, and bottles. Additionally concerning were the giant hooks hanging off their belts; each witcher sported one.</p>
<p>Each one also had a medallion in the shape of a snarling wolf’s head. </p>
<p>“You really are witchers.” The words just tumbled out of Jaskier’s mouth. His eyes were so wide that it hurt. </p>
<p>Lambert rolled his eyes. Now that his hood and cloak were off, Jaskier could see that he was a bit thinner built than the other two, with short cropped dark hair and scruff on his face. He had a long, sharp nose and three small parallel scars that ran across one temple. </p>
<p>He, too, sported yellow cat’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Come on, Geralt, let go kill something,” Lambert said with a shake of his head, clearly already done with the shock being directed at them.</p>
<p>Wolf hummed at him. They each drew a sword -- <i>swords, what the fuck</i> -- and the blades shone bright silver in the dim gloom of the room. At first, Jaskier thought that the glow along the blades was reflected light from the magic fucking portal in the wall, but nope. There were runes carved into the blades of the swords and each symbol radiated light.</p>
<p>Then Wolf stepped through what Jaskier had <i>thought</i> was a solid wall, right through that black void of a portal, and was gone. Lambert followed a step behind him. Eskel moved to stand next to the portal, turned sideways to keep an eye on it and the rest of them.</p>
<p>Silence fell over the room. </p>
<p>Jaskier stood there with his mouth open. Not the most flattering look, he knew, but one he was currently incapable of changing. </p>
<p>Finally, he asked, “Did someone slip LSD into the building drinking water?”</p>
<p>Eskel snorted in amusement.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Things were weirdly boring after that. </p>
<p>Eskel stood around and watched. Jaskier and the students nervously watched him back. Anette pulled out her phone and started fiddling with it.</p>
<p>Eventually, Brie asked, “Sooooo, does this mean that lecture is canceled for the day?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Jaskier said firmly, with his eyes still glued to Eskel and the portal. “There is absolutely no conceivable way that I’ll be able to lecture you all on the political influence of magicians in medieval Redania.”</p>
<p>There were some sighs of relief and several students quickly started packing their bags. Sean was one of the first ones out the door. To Jaskier’s total lack of surprise, Julia kept filming. </p>
<p>“Magicians?” Eskel asked, tilting his head to the side in curiosity. </p>
<p>Jaskier shrugged. “You know. The Sorceresses Lodge, the Sorcerers Lodge, miscellaneous wandering mystics. Prophets. That sort of thing. They were a huge part of the ruling class until--”</p>
<p>“Until the Church of the Eternal Flame started burning everyone who didn’t look like them,” Eskel interrupted with a grimace. “I remember.”</p>
<p>Right. Because this was a witcher. </p>
<p>“Wait, <i>remember?</i>” Jaskier frowned at him.</p>
<p>“There aren’t many of us left, but witchers are long lived,” Eskel answered. Before Jaskier could pile on more questions, he continued, “Tell me your lecture.”</p>
<p>These witchers had a habit of flomoxxing Jaskier something fierce. “Oh,” he said, at a bit of a loss. “Well, we were discussing some of the famous sorceresses during the early time of the Nilfgaardian Empire.”</p>
<p>For whatever reason, that made Eskel smile. “You talking about Ciri? She’s Geralt’s daughter, you know.” He nodded towards the <i>still black sucking void</i> of the portal. </p>
<p>“Ciri?” Jaskier felt like all he was doing today was repeating inane things.</p>
<p>“Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon. Heiress to Cintra, Ard Skellig, and An Skellig, Empress of Nilfgaard. We called her Ciri. She was Geralt’s daughter.”</p>
<p>“There-- that’s impossible,” Jaskier shook his head. “Empress Cirilla was very clearly the daughter of Emperor Emhyr of Nilfgaard and Princess Pavetta of Cintra. It’s well documented.”</p>
<p>“Oh sure, by blood,” Eskel said with a shrug. “But Ciri was Geralt’s child of surprise.”</p>
<p>“The Law of Surprise,” Jaskier muttered, shocked. This was material that doctorates in history still argued about. And this random guy just… knew about it. That was just as convincing as the light show. Magic could be faked, but knowledge and interest in very dry, very ancient customs was significantly harder to acquire.</p>
<p>“What’s that?” Amanda asked. She’d looked like she was about to leave, but hadn’t quite made it out the door before conversation started up again.</p>
<p>“Law of Surprise is an ancient rule,” Jaskier explained on reflex. The pacing he was doing in front of his desk was reflex, too; he ran his regular lectures much the same way. “Based on some older religion -- no one is really sure what the details of that were -- and it was used as a form of payment. It could be invoked by either party, and it stated that the debtor would owe ‘that which they did not know that they had’. So, the first thing they acquired that they didn’t know that they were getting, they owed as payment.”</p>
<p>Eskel nodded along. “Sometimes, people took it to mean that the payment was the first thing they saw when they got home and were surprised by. Most often it was just possession that they had that they didn’t know about it. Unlikely inheritance. Newly acquired pet or livestock.” His face twisted into a sinister smirk. “Or an unborn child. Pavetta was pregnant with Duny’s get when Geralt freed him from his curse, and he was so grateful that he offered up the Law of Surprise as payment. They found out that night that Pavetta was with child. So,” he shrugged, “by Law that child was Geralt’s.”</p>
<p>“That’s fucked up,” Brie said.</p>
<p>There were nods around the classroom.</p>
<p>Eskel barked out a short laugh. “Probably.”</p>
<p>“Couldn’t they just, I don’t know, lie?” Amanda asked.</p>
<p>The students that hadn’t immediately fled the moment they could were effortlessly enthralled by Eskel’s speaking. </p>
<p>Jaskier would have been jealous, but he was just as interested. </p>
<p>Eskel wobbled a gloved hand back and forth. “Some tried, but nothing escapes the hands of Destiny.” </p>
<p>“Pre-Eternal Flame religions held a lot of stock in Destiny as a guiding force in the world,” Jaskier said. He was fishing a little bit, just to see how Eskel would respond.</p>
<p>Eskel just rolled his eyes and snorted. “Fucking church likes to think that they can rewrite the laws of the universe with their own dogma. It’s not the ‘beliefs of old religions’, it’s a <i>force of nature</i>. Fate rules all of us. Gods, immortals, humans, elves, dwarves, dryads, spirits. There is no escaping it.”</p>
<p>Suddenly, Jaskier was back to wondering if his classroom had been invaded by loonies. He shared a look with some of his students that very blatantly said, <i>riiiiiiiiiiiight, sure. ‘Fate’.</i></p>
<p>“What a strange coincidence,” Eskel said, “that the first time in centuries that we Wolf witchers visit Redania, we run across you.”</p>
<p>Jaskier put a hand on his chest and his face twisted in confusion. “What? <i>Me?</i>”</p>
<p>Eskel nodded gravely towards him. “You’re a teacher, one well versed in ancient history. The exact kind of ancient history that me and my brothers lived through. You carry the name of one of Geralt’s closest friends. It was your student that went missing, someone that just <i>happened</i> to be part of a family that we watch over, who <i>happened</i> to know how to contact us and what to offer us in payment, enough to get us to accept the contract -- a thing that has fallen so far out of use that I can count the number of times it’s happened in the last hundred years on one hand and have fingers left over. And your classroom just <i>happens</i> to be in one of the old alchemy labs, a place with an entrance to the catacombs below this city.”</p>
<p>He raised one eyebrow at Jaskier and tilted his head.</p>
<p>“That’s a lot of coincidences,” Jaskier blustered as he fiddled with the end of his scarf. “Just coincidence, though. It proves nothing.” He paused a moment. “And, wait, did you say that Geralt of Rivia was best friends with Dandelion the Bard?” </p>
<p>That would explain all the ballads about witchers.</p>
<p>“The string of Destiny is not so easily cast off,” Eskel said, evading the last question.</p>
<p>Jaskier sighed. There wasn’t anything he could do to argue with someone who believed in something. Eskel must have seen his frustration, because his smile turned knowing.</p>
<p>Before either of them could say anything else, the floor shook. </p>
<p>Eskel cocked his head to the side as if he was listening to something. “Huh. Sounds like Geralt found whatever was down there.”</p>
<p>“Was that a bomb?” Jaskier had to ask.</p>
<p>“Maybe?” Eskel shrugged.</p>
<p>The lack of a solid ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response to that question was not comforting at all. </p>
<p>“Is he going to blow us all up?” </p>
<p>Jaskier’s trepidation was not at all relieved to see that Eskel seriously considered that question before answering.</p>
<p>“Probably not,” Eskel said finally. “He blows us all up, and we don’t get paid.”</p>
<p>Several students snorted or laughed.</p>
<p>Eskel looked at them with eyes crinkled in amusement. “Getting paid is very important to a witcher.”</p>
<p><i>Toss a coin to your witcher, o valley of plenty</i>.</p>
<p>The song lyric floated through Jaskier’s head. That was what one of the witchers had been starting to sing earlier; it was one of Bard Dandelion’s most famous songs. </p>
<p>He turned to Anette. “What did you offer to pay them?”</p>
<p>“Witchers want gold and silver, but I don’t own much of that,” she said. “I offered them what jewelry I had, and promised them free meals and a warm bed at my home until the day I die.”</p>
<p>Jaskier shot Eskel a surprised look.</p>
<p>“That was enough to get you to travel several hundred miles at the drop of a hat <i>and</i> show up here?” Jaskier waved around. “You know, be seen? Get caught on camera? If you’re witchers, you’re supposed to be, I don’t know, hiding or something. I thought all spooky cryptids did that.”</p>
<p>Eskel shrugged and his eyes got a distant look to them. “Close family friend discount. Catherine’s great-great-great grandfather used to play chess with us. He’d leave out a board on a stump on the far side of their yard. Every time one of us wandered by, we’d make a move. Games took forever, but fuck, we’ve got time.”</p>
<p>If this was a hoax, it was the best one that Jaskier had ever seen. He still couldn’t quite believe it, even with the <i>still glowing fucking portal in the wall</i>. </p>
<p>Eskel straightened up, drew one of his swords, and faced towards the portal. “They’re coming,” he said.</p>
<p><i>Shit</i>.</p>
<p>Jaskier urged his students towards the back of the classroom, and Anette with them. </p>
<p>Eskel stood staring at the portal. He looked as relaxed as a man with a broadsword could be, but somehow Jaskier knew that he was well prepared for anything.</p>
<p>“W-what’s coming out of the portal that you need a sword for?” Jaskier asked, craning his neck to get a better look. </p>
<p>Damn thing still looked black and empty, with that creepy blue-light border getting sucked into the void inside.</p>
<p>“And, dude, why is your sword glowing?” Julia asked. She was still filming. Jaskier was surprised that she still had battery power. </p>
<p>Dammit, he really needed to rig up his own recording system at some point. Not only did he need to properly document what was in this room, but he <i>desperately</i> needed to be prepared if another witcher showed up. Maybe he could convince one to stay? Eskel seemed the friendliest of the bunch, but Wolf was pants-droppingly attractive. Jaskier even liked all the growling.</p>
<p>“Magic runes,” Eskel said absently. “They have to be smithed into the blade.”</p>
<p>The portal flared before they could ask anything else.</p>
<p>A dirty young man in torn jeans and t-shirt stumbled through.</p>
<p>Jaskier immediately stepped up to help move him out of the way. There was blood speckled across his skin, and some bites, but nothing that looked life threatening. </p>
<p>Three more dirty, tired looking people were shoved through.</p>
<p>The last one was Catherine. Anette was at her side in a heartbeat, pulling her into a tearful hug. While the two of them cried and whispered together, Eskel watched the portal.</p>
<p>Jaskier noticed absently that one of the other students had called campus security again, this time to request a medical team. </p>
<p>Just as Lambert was stepping through the portal, covered in blood and looking like a damn serial killer, students from Jaskier’s next class walked in.</p>
<p>The world ground to a halt as the new arrivals stared at the crazy scene before them -- plaster and chalk board torn down, glowing void portal in the wall, witchers with a million blades strapped to them, gore covered Lambert, students huddled against the wall, wretched looking survivors -- and the rest of them stared back. </p>
<p>“Uh. We can come back later,” one of the new arrivals said, with eyes as wide as saucers.</p>
<p>“Good call,” Lambert said with a feral smirk as he twirled his red-smeared sword. </p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Wolf did not come through the portal. </p>
<p>A fact that Eskel prodded Lambert on as soon as the incoming class had run away, likely straight towards the Dean’s office. </p>
<p>“He’s coming out the hard way,” Lambert said, and nodded towards the window. “These four were all that were left alive.”</p>
<p>He pulled a cloth out of one of his many belt pouches and quickly wiped down his sword blade. That sword soon became the only damn clean thing on him.</p>
<p>“Drowners?” Eskel asked.</p>
<p>Lambert snorted. “Of course. Fucking plague rats, the crypts have always been lousy with them. <i>And</i> a kayran.”</p>
<p>“What?” Eskel shot him a quick look, and then promptly turned his attention back to the portal.</p>
<p>“The fuck is that?” Jaskier asked.</p>
<p>They ignored him.</p>
<p>“How the fuck does a <i>kayran</i> go about kidnapping kids?” Eskel asked.</p>
<p>“I’m fucking twenty-five!” one of the rescues said.</p>
<p>“You are a fucking child,” Eskel said with a roll of his eyes. “My fucking saddle is older than you are.” He switched his attention back to Lambert. “A kayran? Really?”</p>
<p>“Someone’s been feeding it,” Lambert said, stepping towards the back wall windows to peer out. “There were cages down there.”</p>
<p>“Of course.” Eskel shook his head. “Do we need to go back in?”</p>
<p>“Nah. Geralt said he had it. He’s gonna lure it up to the courtyard, and then blow it up.”</p>
<p>“Wait, <i>what</i>?” Jaskier said. He did not like the sound of that, not even a little.</p>
<p>The floor rumbled again. Some dust sprinkled down from the ripped plaster in the wall.</p>
<p>“Main courtyard?” Eskel asked as he stepped over to the gem that powered the glowing portal. With a deft twist of his wrist, the gem popped out of its slot in the wall. </p>
<p>The room echoed with sudden silence as the portal flickered out, returning that space on the wall to solid wood. There wasn’t a hint of the neon blue ribbons of energy that had previously outlined the sucking black hole in the universe. The gem itself was still glowing; Eskel quickly pocketed it.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Jaskier said, stepping forward. “That’s school property.”</p>
<p>“That’s a precaution so some numb nuts idiot doesn’t go wandering into a place that would get them killed,” Lambert said caustically. </p>
<p>He pulled out three tiny glass vials from where they were strapped along his belt, and quickly drank the contents of each. One swirled dark green, one dark red, and one bright orange. By the time he was done, his eyes had taken on an unearthly yellow glow.</p>
<p>“He said he was gonna bait it up to the center fountain,” Lambert said, totally ignoring how the rest of them watched him with wary curiosity.</p>
<p>“You mean where the fountain used to be,” Eskel replied with a smirk. </p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah.” Lambert rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>The building shuddered with another low, rumbling <i>boom</i>.</p>
<p>“Um. That’s getting very concerning,” Jaskier said.</p>
<p>“Got Golden Oriole?” Lamber asked, as if that made any sense at all.</p>
<p>Eskel held up a small vial containing a bright yellow liquid. “I have extra if you need.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, brother.”</p>
<p>Eskel drank a few energy drinks or meth or whatever the fuck it was he had squirreled away in his numerous belt pouches, while Lambert spread some kind of oil on his sword blade.</p>
<p>It made his blade <i>smoke</i>. </p>
<p>“Jaskier,” Eskel said. </p>
<p>Jaskier had been so enthralled with watching them prepare that the sound of his name startled him back to attention. </p>
<p>“Yes, what?” he said, quickly trying to regain his composure.</p>
<p>“Watch our cloaks. We’ll be back for them.”</p>
<p>With that, Eskel and Lambert headed towards the windows in the back of the room. Students and survivors scurried out of their way, only to scramble to stay standing when another <i>boom</i> rocked the building.</p>
<p>That one sounded much worse, and was accompanied by a worryingly loud <i>crack</i>.</p>
<p>Eskel got to the windows first. </p>
<p>“There it is,” he said.</p>
<p>Oh, Jaskier <i>had</i> to see this. Even if he was going to live to regret it. Or not live, as the case might be. </p>
<p>He was really hoping for the ‘living’ part. </p>
<p>Lambert grabbed the bottom of the window frame, as if to pull it up.</p>
<p>“Oh, those don’t open--” Jaskier started as he made his way over.</p>
<p>“They do now.” </p>
<p>There was another sickening <i>crack</i> as Lambert hauled the frame out of the damn wall.</p>
<p>Jaskier ran his tongue over his teeth and did not swear. He just waved a hand at the window and then tossed it up in the air. He found his words only a moment later. </p>
<p>“Sure, fine, that’s great. Just. Rip it right open. Might as well, it’s not like you haven’t already destroyed my classroom, damaged centuries old architecture--”</p>
<p>Lambert just snickered at him and then <i>jumped out of the damn window</i>.</p>
<p>Eskel paused just long enough to smirk at Jaskier, and then he followed suit.</p>
<p>They were three stories up!</p>
<p>Jaskier, and most of the rest of his students, raced to the windows to look out.</p>
<p>There were tentacles coming out of the center of the courtyard.</p>
<p><i>Tentacles</i>.</p>
<p>Jaskier’s jaw dropped. Again, words failed him.</p>
<p>“What the <i>fuck</i>,” one of his students mutterd. Maybe Brie. He wasn’t really paying attention to anything other than <i>the fucking tentacle monster</i> that had crawled out of the cobblestone. </p>
<p>Wolf was already right up in its face. Did it have a face? Jaskier couldn’t tell. It certainly had a <i>maw</i>, a hideous ring of fangs that bloomed out of the middle of the mass of tentacles like an octopus’s beak. </p>
<p>The three witchers moved in, working in tandem. Each tentacle was as thick around as an electrical pole and three times as long as a street car. Wolf and Lambert dodged around the flailing limbs, shooting exploding bolts from small hand held crossbows -- where the <i>fuck</i> had they been keeping them? Granted, Jaskier had been a little distracted by their other… assets. Still. What the <i>fuck</i>.</p>
<p>While the monster focused on Wolf and Lambert, Eskel ran forward and then dropped to one knee. He slammed his hand on the ground. <i>Something</i> broke. Or maybe erupted. </p>
<p>The whole fucking courtyard lit up with bright purple light as glowing runes of energy flowed out from his hand and stretched across the cobblestone. </p>
<p>The almost-neon runes snapped into formation, making a massive circle on the ground. The second the design completed it shined blindingly bright, as if someone had put a spotlight under the pavement and poked a pretty pattern through the stone for it to beam through. </p>
<p>That eye-searing color only lasted for a second. Then the circle and runes dimmed down until they were just barely visible in the overcast gloom of the day.</p>
<p>The monster <i>shrieked</i>. It looked like it was moving slower, too. The tentacles didn’t flail with quite as much precision and the undulating mouth looked like it was dilating at half speed.</p>
<p>It was still <i>very</i> fucking fast. Only now Jaskier could actually track all of its movements.</p>
<p>The monster shot several limbs at Eskel, who nimbly jumped out of the way. Wolf tossed something at the beast. Some kind of bomb, probably, considering the small <i>boom</i> that rang out. An inhuman howl of pain shortly followed.</p>
<p>Lambert hacked at one of the tentacles, neatly slicing off the and causing the beast to rear back and scream. Tentacles slashed madly around, tossing scattered chunks of broken road at the witchers. </p>
<p>Wolf dodged. </p>
<p>Eskel didn’t.</p>
<p>A stone block the size of a computer tower bowled into him, knocking him to the ground. A bright splat of red flew out of his mouth on contact.</p>
<p>“No,” Jaskier whispered. </p>
<p>“Shit,” Julia added.</p>
<p>“He’s still moving!” Anette said, pointing at the sluggishly stirring witcher.</p>
<p>“Holy Flame, how is he even alive?” Brie muttered. That rock should have turned his bones to mush.</p>
<p>Wolf and Lambert kept on stabbing and slashing, while Eskel weakly fumbled for something in his belts. </p>
<p>“...Is he taking a fucking drink?” Jaskier asked no one. Because obviously now was the time for a bit of hair of the dog. He couldn’t help how judgy his expression had probably turned. </p>
<p>Sure enough, Eskel slammed back a shot of <i>something</i>. He shook his head, wiped his mouth, and sprung back up to join the fight.</p>
<p>“Five hour energy, I guess,” one of the other students said with a snort.</p>
<p>While they were watching that, the other two witchers had managed to prune off two more tentacles. </p>
<p>Then Wolf fucking <i>jumped on one</i>. He ran across the rising limb like it was fucking nothing, dashing right up to that massive gaping mouth, and then <i>stabbed</i> it. </p>
<p>The wail that came out of the monster rattled the windows. </p>
<p>Before it could do more than howl, Lambert and Eskel both had joined Wolf, running up to the beast and burying their swords almost hilt deep into the creature’s body. </p>
<p>Its tentacles thrashed, losing speed and coordination until they finally stopped.</p>
<p>It was dead.</p>
<p>Holy <i>fuck</i>.</p>
<p>The witchers pulled out their swords and wiped the blades down. In the deafening silence that had sprung up in the wake of the battle, Jaskier could just barely hear the witchers chatting easily among themselves. </p>
<p>Wolf downed a vial of something that glowed red. Lambert drank one that was bright yellow. They were all still standing on the dead body.</p>
<p>There was a <i>dead body</i> in the courtyard. A <i>monster</i> body. That had just been killed by <i>witchers</i>.</p>
<p>Jaskier’s brain was almost out of spoons to cope with this level of crazy.</p>
<p>At least it was all over. The kids were saved, or what was left of their number, presumably. The monster was dead. All good!</p>
<p>The witchers all sheathed their swords.</p>
<p>And then they pulled out <i>knives</i>.</p>
<p>“They’re butchering it,” Jaskier said in shock.</p>
<p>“Haven’t you heard the song?” Anette asked. Her voice was high and haunting as she sang, “<i>My dear dolly, Polly, shut your eyes. Lie still, lie silent, utter no cries as the witcher, brave and bold, paid in coin of gold, he’ll chop and slice you, cut and dice you, eat you up whole. Eat you whole.</i>”</p>
<p>Jaskier recognized the lyrics but he’d never heard them sung, and definitely not like that. The melody was haunting. The minor chords sent shivers racing up his spine.</p>
<p>“And <i>that’s</i> who you fucking called to get your daughter back?” Jaskier asked, turning to look at her incredulously.</p>
<p>Anette's returning gaze was fierce and smug. Her arms were wrapped around her daughter, who’d buried her face in her mother’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“It worked, didn’t it?” Anette said with a challenging lilt to her voice and a raised eyebrow. </p>
<p>Jaskier gaped at her. </p>
<p>She was right.</p>
<p>Anette turned to watch the witchers work. “That’s what happened to them, you know. They killed off so many monsters that there weren’t enough left for humans to be scared of, so the humans turned on them.”</p>
<p>Jaskier knew that already. Hell, he taught it in his damn classes. </p>
<p>But it was one thing to know that, and another to <i>see it</i>. This was gonna scare the shit out of people, and then chances were good that the witchers would get accosted by a very out-of-their-depth swat team.</p>
<p><i>Nope</i>. </p>
<p>Not on Jaskier’s watch.</p>
<p>“Alright, class is over,” he said. “I’ve got some witchers to talk to. Julia, send me an unedited copy of that video and I’ll give you a full exam’s worth of extra credit.”</p>
<p>“Fuck, yes!”</p>
<p>“And if anyone else has photos, video, or other documentation of today’s events, including a thoroughly written report, then you can turn that into me for extra credit as well. You have five days, no late turn-ins.”</p>
<p>With that, Jaskier dashed back to his desk and grabbed the witchers’ things, then he ran out towards for the courtyard.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>It had been a solid <i>bitch and a half</i> to talk the police down from trying to arrest the witchers. </p>
<p>The witchers hadn’t made it fucking easy on him, either, since the first thing they did was present the police with the gooey, malleable line of tissue that held all the monster’s teeth, and then demanded payment. </p>
<p>“We killed your fucking monster. We deserve some coin,” Wolf growled. Actually <i>growled</i>. It did not help one fucking bit that his eyes were glowing an eerie yellow. The monster-blood spatter was pretty distracting, too.</p>
<p>“You deserve to be fucking arrested,” the officer on scene said. Though, granted, he said it from what he thought was probably a safe distance away. Having watched the witchers charge the tentacle monster, Jaskier knew better. ‘A safe distance’ away from a witcher was probably the next town over. </p>
<p>“Easy, easy,” Jaskier said, stepping in between the two. “Listen. This is Geralt of Rivia,” he said in his most persuasive tone. “Geralt. <i>Of Rivia</i>. A witcher of legend! No one has seen his like in hundreds of years, and maybe no one ever will again. He and his fellows pulled themselves out of the shadows of history to come and save the students of this school! They deserve a medal! Let alone some paltry payment.”</p>
<p>The officer just looked at him, seemingly kind of stunned.</p>
<p>Eskel and Lambert fucking cackled, while Wolf sighed like he was dying.</p>
<p>“Did you know that they single handedly rescued some of the missing students?” Jaskier kept on, hammering the point home. “They’re up there, in my classroom. Recovering. <i>Safe</i>. One is in the arms of her mother right now. How would it reflect on the local police if you tried to arrest these people for stopping a menace that none of us could even fathom?” He nodded grimly towards what was left of the tentacle monster. “Or fight?”</p>
<p>He made a little hand gesture and nodded in a way that expressed the idea of, <i>you see what I’m getting at here, right?</i></p>
<p>There was a long pause as the officer opened his mouth, and then shut it just as quickly. He glanced between them all. A worried frown crossed his face.</p>
<p>One of the witchers muttered something that sounded like, “<i>holy fucking Gods</i>.” It sounded amused, so Jaskier ignored it. </p>
<p>“We… can’t actually pay them,” the officer finally said. “That’s not something the police do.”</p>
<p>Wolf snarled and took a step forward.</p>
<p>Jaskier held up his hand and smiled at the officer. “That’s fine, that’s fine. We’ll go talk to the dean.”</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>In retrospect, Jaskier wasn’t sure what he’d enjoyed more: Discovering that witchers were still alive and hunting, or ruining the dean’s day.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>After some additional investigation and several in-depth interviews of the surviving victims, it was quickly discovered that the associate dean had been the one actually doing the kidnapping. He’d been taking students when he could and locking them up to feed to the tentacle monster whenever he got around to it.</p>
<p>The man had apparently lost his fucking marbles and had decided that there was an Elder God under the school campus, and like any sane, rational member of academia, he’d decided to sacrifice students to it in an attempt to curry favor. More specifically -- and perhaps more logically -- he’d tried to cause a dangerous mess that would be blamed on the current dean in an effort to oust the man and get himself a promotion. </p>
<p>Jaskier would have been kind of impressed if it weren’t for all the trauma and murder.</p>
<p>The dean had been grateful, so, so grateful, that the whole mess had drawn to a relatively peaceful conclusion. </p>
<p>The witchers wanted to be paid for their efforts.</p>
<p>Jaskier wanted to prod them until they spilled every last bit of history that they’d lived through. Or until Wolf decided to pin him to a wall and fuck the snark out of him. Either was an acceptable outcome.</p>
<p>With those goals in mind, Jaskier had utilized his silver tongue and his years of experience with school office politics to make everyone’s dreams come true.</p>
<p>He’d gotten the witchers all jobs as professors. </p>
<p>Starting this next winter semester, Geralt, Eskel, and Lambert would be jointly running a series of history and practical skills classes revolving around witchers and their experience and expertise. They would be <i>generously</i> compensated in modern currency -- though they didn’t seem thrilled about that -- and were offered university funded lodging, as well as a stipend for food and other sundry needs. </p>
<p>The dean looked a bit dazed. He'd also seemed somewhat torn between being gleeful about the astonishing press this would give him and the university, and dismayed at <i>what the fuck he’d just let into his school</i>. </p>
<p>The witchers were less than excited about the arrangement. Or at least Wolf was.</p>
<p>Eskel and Lambert had ended up talking him into it.</p>
<p>“I fucking hate people,” Wolf bitched quietly after the meeting with the dean. He was still covered in tentacle monster gore. “Why the fuck would I want to <i>teach</i> them?”</p>
<p>“Come on, Wolf. It’ll be fun!” Lambert bumped shoulders with him.</p>
<p>“Yeah? And who’s gonna watch Kaer Morhen while we’re all fucking around at a fucking human university?” Wolf shot back.</p>
<p>“We’ll take turns watching shit back home,” Eskel said firmly. “Cover for each other, leave at least one of us to teach. Just like the old days, eh?”</p>
<p>“Besides, Dandelion went to all this trouble to set it up.” Lambert gave Jaskier a sly grin.</p>
<p>Jaskier wasn’t quite sure how to take that. He raised an eyebrow at him, and said, “Talking is what I’m good at. You’ll notice I do it all day for my job, and there is a <i>reason</i> that I’m nicknamed after the Great Bard.”</p>
<p>He brushed some imaginary lint off of his shirt sleeve and smirked.</p>
<p>Convincing Wolf that he knew what the fuck he was doing and that this would be <i>awesome</i> took a fair bit of time. He couldn't shake the feeling that Eskel and Lambert were in full-on troll mode, but at least they backed him up.</p>
<p>Wolf had snarled and Wolf had complained, and then he’d given them all the pissiest bitchface ever.</p>
<p>But in the end, he’d agreed. </p>
<p>If that agreement had come with a quiet, easily-missed soft look towards Jaskier, well… that was just one more point in favor of the whole arrangement. Since Eskel and Lambert had given Wolf knowing, smarmy fucking smirks, Jaskier had the feeling that he and Wolf were being set up.</p>
<p>Which was very, very fine with him.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, my witcher friend,” Jaskier said, slapping Wolf’s shoulder. </p>
<p>His hand squished on Wolf’s armor. Something gooey trailed off of it when he pulled it back.</p>
<p>Fucking <i>yuk</i>.</p>
<p>He tried to flick the gore off, with limited success.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry. I’ll help you all get set up, and then I am <i>definitely</i> auditing your classes. You’ll get paid, and yes, yes, I know, it’s not gold or silver or fucking debloons or whatever it is you witchers usually get, but I can help you convert your paper money into valuables and goods that you’ll actually use. The internet is an amazing place…” </p>
<p>It was possible that he was rambling. Jaskier didn’t care. </p>
<p>This was going to be <i>amazing</i>.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>To be continued?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song that Anette sings is <a href="https://youtu.be/PyYlB_MVuLM">Lullaby of Woe</a>, which I will never stop plugging.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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